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an honest letter to my littlest

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The day we found out you were growing in my belly will always be one of my favorite days. I was getting out of the house for some “momma time” and I promised your daddy I wouldn’t take a pregnancy test because 1. He didn’t want me to be disappointed since it was still pretty early to be peeing on a stick and 2. He didn’t want me spending our life savings on pregnancy tests (only kind of exaggerating). I begrudgingly agreed that I would not. I also told him I would pick up some groceries before coming home.

On my way to my hair appointment, I thought “Well this is right next to Kroger so I’ll just stop in and get a few things because I’m early”. I glanced at my phone as I was walking into the store and realized I wasn’t really all that early and I actually didn’t have time to shop. I did have time, however, to use the restroom real quick (see where I’m going with this?) My heart was racing so I dashed to the section with pregnancy tests and hastily grabbed a box and headed for the checkout. It was kind of like that old game show that people raced to get items in the grocery store. Anyways, I’m in line and I realized that I didn’t buy the right test, I needed the 6 DAYS EARLY test because I’m that crazy. So then I had to walk back, get the new test, and then exchange it with the cashier behind the customer service desk who was, of course a man who knew that’d I have to go pee on this stick and women are ladies who don’t pee on sticks. We also don’t fart or have bowel movements (Shut up, husband). One part of me was so embarrassed and the other part of me wanted to gush about how excited and nervous I was and then ask if he’d be happy for me if it was positive or maybe escort me out of the store if it was negative.

So there I was in the Kroger women’s bathroom peeing on a stick and then awkwardly waiting 3 minutes for the line to show up…..

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Pee stick

 

And then I saw it. The faintest little pink line. I was THRILLED. I couldn’t wait to tell your daddy and I was already planning on all the cute ways we’d reveal you to our families which never actually happened because I was way to excited to plan anything so everybody just got phone calls and excited texts.

I called your daddy right away, after I giddily skipped across the grocery store parking lot trying to hold back tears. He was shocked and so happy. And then I sent him the picture…

I tried getting the perfect lighting so that he could see the faint pink line but he of course could not. Then I had to sit through an hour long hair appointment with my hair stylist who I love and has been with me during all major parts of my life for about 5 or 6 years at this point and NOT tell her. I wanted to so badly but I hadn’t even told my mom yet and your dad still didn’t really believe me so I kept my pee stick in my purse (so sanitary) and we chatted about other things. Including when we were going to have another baby…HAHAHA oh the irony. Oh the torture! OH THE DRAMA OF IT ALL!

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Finally I get home and show your daddy and he knows it’s real! I cried some more and we took some pictures with your big brother and it was so, SO happy! A funny thing about this day too is that our dear friends knew we were trying and knew that I could technically take a test on this day but I, for some crazy reason, wanted to wait. Obviously that didn’t happen. But we had planned dinner with them that night and the second they walked in and saw my smile they knew so we got to celebrate again and it was just the best day, little man. So from all of this, please know that you were wanted and loved from day one. 

But…

I was terrified. I was afraid to love you. It hurts to write that and to think it out loud because of just how much I love you now. But I was. I was even afraid I wouldn’t love you. Or that I wouldn’t love you as much as I love your big brother. Your big bro and I were tight. He was pretty obsessed with me and only me for the first 18 months or so of his life before he started breaking out of his shell. It was tiring for me but I also loved and cherished his little koala ways with me. So the thought of sharing that love was something I just couldn’t even think about. For the most part I had a really great pregnancy, just like with M. But the fear never really left. Even up until the day I went into labor. Those closest to me know that when I went into labor with your big brother I cried all the way to the hospital because were leaving Louie (our first fur-baby). So you can imagine how much of a mess I was on the way to the hospital this time. I was a wreck. Your daddy did a really good job of telling me it was okay and M knows how much we love him and his sweet Nana would be keeping him company until we were able to come home in just a day or two. It helped but I was still sad and very scared. I was also afraid that because I had all of these fears, I didn’t let myself love you enough while you were growing in my belly. And then what if something happened and I was left feeling like I didn’t love you enough? It sounds like crazy talk but us mommas are crazy for our little ones. 

But you, little man…you had other plans for me. There was a moment in the middle of the night when I was shaking from the epidural, watching Parks and Rec, and your daddy was sleeping on the couch, a calmness came over me. I knew in that moment that I had nothing to be afraid of and that I was just ready to meet you. In fact I needed you. I needed you to be here and in my arms so I could love you right. I pushed for all of 10 minutes and you were here and the world became a better and brighter place all over again. Those feelings rushed back to me just like they did the first time. You were magic. All 8lbs 5oz of you. My heart just knew what it needed to do. It knew that it was time to grow again and it sure did. Gosh I love you so much. 

 

While loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, some days are still hard. Not splitting my love but splitting my attention. M is wild and crazy and is learning new things every day. There are days when he says “Mom come run with me!” when I’m nursing you or keeping you entertained and it breaks my heart to say “In a minute bud!”. But he gets it and he is so good with you. He loves to pat your head and asks to hold you all the time. He asks you to run with him too and when we tell him you’re not big enough yet, he waits a couple seconds and then says, “Conor big now? Otay let’s go!”. He can’t wait for you guys to be wild and crazy together and, while I CAN wait for that because I need you boys to stay little forever, I can’t wait to see all the memories you two are going to make as best buds. He loves you so purely.

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M made me a momma so that is a bond we will always have. But you and I have a bond I can’t really explain. I was joking with your daddy the other day that you just “get me” and you seem to be so in tune with my needs. It sounds weird I know but hear me out…It had been a particularly rough morning. You just didn’t want to take a nap and were begging to be held with your little whimpers and cries. And your big brother decided he didn’t want to use the potty that morning so I was cleaning up a lot of accidents and I was losing patience by the minute. Finally we nursed and you fell asleep around 11:00 or so (after a blowout in your jumper so that was rude but I forgive you). Then I was able to have some one-on-one time with M and get him lunch AND down for a nap all while you snoozed away in your rocker. I came downstairs around 1:30 after M fell asleep, laid down on the couch and said to you, while you were sleeping… “Just 3o minutes is all I need, just a little 30 minute nap would be so great kid…” I woke up a little bit before 3 to you sucking on your hands telling me it was time to eat again. You gave me exactly what I needed and then some! But it’s not just this little example. My attention is constantly being pulled in a million different directions with you boys and you are so patient and so laid back that I hardly ever feel guilty about it. It’s like you are saying to me, “It’s okay, momma. I’m just going to bounce over here while you clean up that pee. By the way I probably won’t make any accidents for you to clean up when I get bigger because I know how much it stresses you out” (HA-wishful thinking!). M was a bit more selfish and I was a bit more neurotic a couple of years ago too. I’m a little bit (A LOT) more laid back this time around and I’ve always said that our babes feed off of our energy. I have a total of zero scientific, peer reviewed studies to base that off of but it sounds right and it fits my narrative so we’re going with it!

 

So anyways, I think I wrote this post for a couple reasons. I needed to admit my fear to you. And to other mommas who maybe felt the same way or are feeling the same way now. It felt like a shameful, ugly little secret I was keeping that just made me sad. I was afraid to love you. I now know how silly that was. It was real. But it was silly. My heart knew exactly what to do and how to do it and I’m sorry that I ever doubted that. I love you with all that I am just like I love your brother. It sounds impossible but if anyone can do the impossible, it’s a mom.

mommy and conor

I also just needed to tell you how much I love you. I love your little giggles and smiles at midnight when your daddy is trying to shush you sleep. I love your dark, greasy hair that sometimes turns into a mohawk. I love the way you stare at me when you’re nursing and you have to be holding my hand. I love that you’re so very different from your big brother, but the same in a lot of ways too. I love that you’ve made me a momma again and that because of you I continue to learn so much about this job called “mommin”. The hardest job in the world. Now that you are 3 months old I can’t believe we ever lived without you. I love you more than the stars in the sky, little one. 

Any other mommas experience anything like this? Just me? Okay…join me in crazy town, won’t you?! 🙂

 

 

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2 thoughts on “an honest letter to my littlest

  1. I feel like I could change ‘son/boy’ to ‘daughter/girl’ and be reading my own story 😊 i cried like a baby the night before my second daughter was born. The really ugly type of crying where no amount of makeup can save you the next day. My husband took my toddler to my mum’s place which was where she stayed for a few days. I missed her so much. I just did not know how I could possibly love another child the way I loved her. I felt like we had made a mistake because this poor second child would have second place in my heart. I was so wrong. This now 5.5month old has just stolen my heart. I really had no clue. My toddler has comfortably taken on the role of big sister and we now feel complete as a family. And yes!! I’m also much calmer now which could explain why this baby is so amazingly chilled. I mean, I lay her down awake and SHE FALLS ASLEEP!!!! for hours!! This was unheard of with my firstborn. The time it took to make her sleep was always longer than her naps. But anyway, I’m rambling. I’m so happy for you. Enjoy your little ones 🙂

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    1. Yes to all of that! I was just telling my husbad how crazy it is that our 3 month old actually goes to bed at 7:30 where our toddler was up so late and we struggled so much with routines with him! It’s good to know we’re not alone in all these tough mom emotions! Warrior on, momma!!

      Liked by 1 person

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